Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
It started with one tiny raindrop. Just one. It landed directly on my forehead as I stepped outside, which I chose to interpret as Mother Nature affectionately booping me on the head. “Aw,” I thought. “A little rain.” That was adorable. Ten minutes later, Mother Nature was apparently trying to drown me. The weather forecast... Continue Reading →
At 7:03 on Monday morning, I made a terrible decision. I decided to get my life together. I’d seen one of those inspirational posts the night before. You know the ones. Some suspiciously cheerful woman was sitting cross-legged on a perfectly white bed holding a cup of tea while sunlight gently streamed through the window.... Continue Reading →
I woke up one morning with confidence. That was my first mistake. I stretched, looked around, and thought, You know what? Today I'm going to get things done. Somewhere, the universe spit out its coffee. I had a whole plan. Laundry. Cleaning. Groceries. Yard work. Maybe even organize that one cupboard where I've been throwing... Continue Reading →
I went outside to pull one weed. That is important to remember. One. Weed. It was growing beside the front steps, looking smug and disrespectful, and every time I walked past it I thought, I should really pull that. So Saturday afternoon, armed with absolutely no plan whatsoever, I marched outside, grabbed the weed, and... Continue Reading →
It all started with a garbage can. Not my garbage can, which is important. I don't need anyone assuming I spend my mornings investigating municipal waste containers for entertainment. I have hobbies. At approximately 7:15 on a Saturday morning, I looked out my kitchen window and noticed my neighbor's garbage can lying in the middle... Continue Reading →
My alarm went off at 6:30 Monday morning, which was incredibly rude considering I had done absolutely nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. I opened one eye and stared at the ceiling. For several seconds, I genuinely considered whether employment was necessary. Surely there had to be another option. Could I become independently wealthy... Continue Reading →
I went to the grocery store for three things. Bread, bananas, and toothpaste. Three things. This should have taken approximately seven minutes, assuming I walked at a reasonable pace and successfully avoided making eye contact with anyone I knew. Forty-five minutes later, I was standing at the self-checkout with seventeen items. I don't know what... Continue Reading →
