Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
Sunday morning began with a lie. “I’m just going to sit here for five minutes.” I said this at 9:12am while lowering myself onto the couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket. At 10:47, I was still there. In my defense, I had been very busy. I had adjusted the blanket twice, checked... Continue Reading →
At 7:12 on a perfectly peaceful Saturday morning, Susan looked out her front window and saw a traffic cone sitting at the end of her driveway. This was unusual because Susan did not own a traffic cone. She stared at it for several seconds, waiting for an explanation to present itself. None did. Naturally, Susan... Continue Reading →
It started because Linda’s Wi-Fi went down. A normal person might have restarted the router, however Linda was not a normal person. At 7:43 on Saturday morning, she marched into the kitchen holding her phone above her head like she was trying to communicate with a satellite. “The government has finally done it,” she announced.... Continue Reading →
Sunday morning, Melissa woke up with a plan. This was her first mistake. She was going to clean the house, do the laundry, organize the kitchen, water the plants and maybe even relax afterward. Adorable. She started by putting a load of laundry in the washing machine. While that was running, she decided to empty... Continue Reading →
I went to the grocery store for three things. Bread, bananas, and toothpaste. Three things. This should have taken approximately seven minutes, assuming I walked at a reasonable pace and successfully avoided making eye contact with anyone I knew. Forty-five minutes later, I was standing at the self-checkout with seventeen items. I don't know what... Continue Reading →
It was supposed to be a nice walk. Those were the exact words I said as I reached for the leashes. “Come on, guys. We’re just going for a nice walk.” Looking back, I realize this was arrogant. You should never announce your plans in front of dogs. They hear optimism and immediately interpret it... Continue Reading →
At 8:14 on Saturday morning, Isabelle woke up feeling ambitious. This was unusual. Normally, Saturday morning Isabelle believed strongly in remaining horizontal until her bladder presented a legally binding eviction notice. But on this particular morning, sunlight streamed through the curtains, birds were singing, and somewhere deep inside her brain, a deeply irritating voice whispered,... Continue Reading →
At 7:03 on Monday morning, Lily decided she was going to become a calm person. Not eventually. Not after therapy, personal growth, or several years living alone in a cabin where nobody could find her. Today. She had watched a video the night before featuring a suspiciously peaceful woman wearing beige linen who explained that... Continue Reading →
Some weeks are productive. Some weeks are relaxing. Some weeks are inspiring journeys of personal growth... And then there are weeks where you basically stumble from one day to the next, fueled by questionable amounts of sleep, conversations with dogs, and the stubborn belief that eventually Friday will arrive. Welcome to my week. It started... Continue Reading →
There are certain moments in life when you realize you’ve made a mistake. For Julia, that moment came when she was standing in the frozen-food aisle holding a family-sized lasagna while an employee announced over the store’s speaker system, “Would the owner of a blue Honda Civic please return to your vehicle? Your car appears... Continue Reading →
The Cool Beans 