Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
I went to the grocery store at 7:03am for one reason and one reason only: there would be no people. This wasn't a shopping trip. This was a tactical operation. I had calculated everything. Tuesday morning. Barely daylight. Most reasonable humans would either be sleeping, getting ready for work, or standing half-conscious in their kitchens... Continue Reading →
I went into the changeroom with exactly three shirts and the kind of optimism usually found in people who haven't yet been betrayed by retail architecture. This was supposed to take five minutes. Try on shirt. Look in mirror. Question every decision I've made since 1997. Put shirt back on hanger. Leave. Simple. The first... Continue Reading →
I decided to go to the cottage for the weekend because I needed to “get away from it all.” You know. Relax. Recharge. Reconnect with nature. Nature, as it turns out, had not been consulted about this arrangement. I packed Friday morning with the confidence of someone preparing for a casual two-day getaway and the... Continue Reading →
It started with one tiny raindrop. Just one. It landed directly on my forehead as I stepped outside, which I chose to interpret as Mother Nature affectionately booping me on the head. “Aw,” I thought. “A little rain.” That was adorable. Ten minutes later, Mother Nature was apparently trying to drown me. The weather forecast... Continue Reading →
I woke up Wednesday morning with absolutely no intention of achieving greatness. I wasn’t going to exercise. I wasn’t going to meditate. I wasn’t going to journal about gratitude while drinking lemon water and watching the sunrise. No, my goal was much more realistic. Coffee. Pants. Survive. I felt this was an achievable three-step program.... Continue Reading →
At 7:03 on Monday morning, I made a terrible decision. I decided to get my life together. I’d seen one of those inspirational posts the night before. You know the ones. Some suspiciously cheerful woman was sitting cross-legged on a perfectly white bed holding a cup of tea while sunlight gently streamed through the window.... Continue Reading →
There are people who wake up in the morning refreshed. They stretch. They drink water. They meditate. They journal about gratitude. They stand beside a sunny window holding a tasteful ceramic mug while quietly contemplating all the wonderful possibilities the new day may bring. I wake up and immediately wonder what fresh bullshit the universe... Continue Reading →
I went outside to pull one weed. That is important to remember. One. Weed. It was growing beside the front steps, looking smug and disrespectful, and every time I walked past it I thought, I should really pull that. So Saturday afternoon, armed with absolutely no plan whatsoever, I marched outside, grabbed the weed, and... Continue Reading →
I went to the county fair with exactly three goals: eat something deep-fried, win an unnecessarily large stuffed animal, and leave without becoming part of an incident. Two out of three seemed realistic. The trouble began eleven minutes after we arrived. My friend Rachel spotted a booth selling deep-fried pickles and immediately announced, “We should... Continue Reading →
It started with one tiny raindrop. I was walking home carrying a coffee, wearing shoes that had absolutely no business being outdoors, when a single drop landed on my arm. “No big deal,” I thought. The sky heard me. Apparently, this was a challenge. Within approximately four seconds, the heavens opened with the enthusiasm of... Continue Reading →
The Cool Beans 