Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
I had one simple errand. That sentence should have been my first warning. All I needed to do was drive downtown, pick up a package, and come home. According to Google Maps, the entire trip would take twenty-seven minutes. According to reality, I apparently needed provisions, emergency flares, a lawyer, and the emotional resilience of... Continue Reading →
It started, as most bad decisions do, with confidence. “It’s a corn maze,” I said. “How hard can it be?” Those words should have immediately summoned a park employee to confiscate my admission bracelet and escort me back to the parking lot. Instead, I marched into the maze with three friends, absolutely convinced that generations... Continue Reading →
I knew the day was going to be garbage when I woke up before my alarm. Not because I was refreshed. Not because my body had miraculously decided that 6:17am was a beautiful time to embrace life. No. I woke up because something cold and wet touched my foot. There are very few things you... Continue Reading →
I would like to begin by saying that I have an excellent memory. Unfortunately, I have forgotten all the evidence supporting this claim. My problems started yesterday morning when I couldn’t find my phone. This was concerning because I had literally just been using it. I checked the kitchen counter. Nothing. I checked the couch.... Continue Reading →
There are weeks when you wake up refreshed, organized and ready to embrace all the beautiful possibilities life has to offer. And then there are weeks when you sit in your car talking to your phone while several dogs breathe directly onto the back of your head and you realize this is apparently your life... Continue Reading →
It started with a loose cabinet handle. That was it. One tiny, slightly wobbly handle on one perfectly functional kitchen cabinet. A normal person would have tightened the screw and continued living a peaceful life. I am apparently not a normal person. Saturday morning, I grabbed a screwdriver and announced, “This will take two minutes.”... Continue Reading →
I went into the changeroom with exactly three shirts and the kind of optimism usually found in people who haven't yet been betrayed by retail architecture. This was supposed to take five minutes. Try on shirt. Look in mirror. Question every decision I've made since 1997. Put shirt back on hanger. Leave. Simple. The first... Continue Reading →
It started with one tiny raindrop. Just one. It landed directly on my forehead as I stepped outside, which I chose to interpret as Mother Nature affectionately booping me on the head. “Aw,” I thought. “A little rain.” That was adorable. Ten minutes later, Mother Nature was apparently trying to drown me. The weather forecast... Continue Reading →
Well, we made it through another week. I don't know who authorized that, but apparently time continues to move forward regardless of whether we're emotionally prepared for it. So here we are: five days, a ridiculous amount of walking, several hats, some theoretical coffee, weather negotiations, dogs, and at least one story that apparently required... Continue Reading →
It started because my neighbor Carol decided we should have a neighborhood yard sale. Carol is one of those aggressively organized people who owns a label maker and actually uses it. Her garage contains matching storage bins. Her Christmas decorations are sorted by color. She probably has a folder somewhere labelled IMPORTANT FOLDERS. So when... Continue Reading →
