Well, we made it through another week. I don’t know who authorized that, but apparently time continues to move forward regardless of whether we’re emotionally prepared for it. So here we are: five days, a ridiculous amount of walking, several hats, some theoretical coffee, weather negotiations, dogs, and at least one story that apparently required the camera to be covered because ain’t nobody wanna see that.
Monday arrived with all the enthusiasm you’d expect from a hostage situation.
“Happy Monday. Haha.”
That “haha” was doing some extremely heavy lifting.
Nevertheless, we attempted positivity. There was talk of the adorable kitties, the doggies and generally trying to convince the brain that everything was fine. Because sometimes your brain needs “some” and apparently we don’t need to finish that sentence. The brain knows what it did.
There were sentiments. There were happy thoughts and there was a questionable attempt to interact with the world. I’m not people-friendly 99% of the time
Basically, Monday was handled with the emotional equivalent of poking it gently with a stick and hoping it didn’t make any sudden movements.
Then Tuesday arrived, and – plot twist – it was actually nice outside.
Not just tolerable. NICE.
After what I can only call an extended period of Mother Nature spinning a giant Wheel of Weather Bullshit, we got decent temperatures. Cooler weather! Two days in a row!
I was thankful.
Suspicious, obviously, but thankful.
This also meant it was time to walk. And walk. And then, for variety, walk some more.
Apparently the previous day had involved beginning the walking festivities at approximately 7am, because nothing says “good morning” quite like hauling yourself outside at an hour when your personality hasn’t finished loading. Well, at least I was wearing pants.
And there was more walking to come.
A lot of walking.
A. LOT.
There were also Zack and the Doodle Horses – which is objectively an excellent phrase and frankly deserves to be the name of a band.
The important thing was that the weather was decent, the dogs were getting walked, and theoretical coffee remained a possibility.
Yes.
Theoretical coffee.
Not actual coffee.
Theoretical coffee.
Coffee existing primarily as a concept. An aspiration. A beverage we believe may someday become reality if we remain pure of heart.
Wednesday began with the traditional greeting:
“Happy Wednesday Everyone”
Followed shortly thereafter by the groundbreaking realization:
“Ah, today is Wednesday.”
Excellent work, everyone. We’re really firing on all cylinders now.
Wednesday also brought an important fashion development: a hat.
Why?
Because apparently it was going to get warmer in the afternoon, and when you’re spending your days outside walking dogs, hats stop being accessories and become survival equipment.
At this stage of the week, I believe gratitude was still being attempted. There was thankfulness. There were good intentions.
There was also exhaustion lurking nearby like a raccoon waiting for somebody to leave the garbage unattended.
Then came Thursday.
“Happy Thursday. Oh.”
That “oh” tells you pretty much everything you need to know.
Thursday’s general theme was I am tired and how this is apparently my own fault.
There was once again theoretical coffee, because actual coffee continues to be an elusive luxury in this cinematic universe.
I had so many more things that needed to be done, and an admission that perhaps some of the exhaustion had resulted from my own decisions.
How rude.
I don’t know why Past Me is continually allowed to make decisions that Future Me has to deal with. There should really be some kind of regulatory agency overseeing this.
Thursday also featured me being in a hat, which should tell you that the week had officially reached the point where hairstyling was no longer considered an essential service. It’s all very hairifying.
And frankly? Fair.
I need to actually rewind to the beginning of Thursday for a moment because apparently I glossed over Thursday morning’s indoor waterpark extravaganza.
Unfortunately, I don’t have an outside hose hookup, so I have one of those expandable hoses that attaches to my kitchen sink. Normally, it’s a pretty decent little system. Hook it up to the kitchen sink faucet, turn on the water, drag the hose outside, water the plants. Easy. Simple. Foolproof.
Narrator: It was not foolproof.
Thursday morning, I hooked the hose up to the sink, turned on the water, and started walking toward the front door like a person who foolishly believed she was about to accomplish a perfectly ordinary household task.
Then I noticed the hose felt… different.
You know that tiny little moment when your brain whispers, Something isn’t right here, approximately three seconds before your life becomes considerably more annoying?
Yeah. That.
I turned around and THE DAMN THING HAD SPRUNG A HUGE LEAK AND WAS SPRAYING WATER ALL OVER MY LIVING ROOM.
Not dripping.
Not gently leaking.
SPRAYING! GUSHING!
Apparently my hose had decided that watering the plants outside was far too predictable and what my living room really needed was irrigation.
So instead of peacefully watering my plants, I was suddenly scrambling to shut off the water while my hose enthusiastically pressure-washed everything within range.
Funtastic times had by exactly no one.
Exactly how I wanted to start my Thursday.
Nothing gets you awake and ready for the day quite like discovering that your living room has unexpectedly developed its own sprinkler system.
The plants?
Still dry.
The living room?
THRIVING.
Funtastic Thursday morning shenanigans.
⭐ 0/10 experience.
⭐ Did not appreciate.
⭐ Would not recommend.
By Friday, we had achieved something magnificent.
“Happy Friday. We made it.”
WE DID.
Against overwhelming odds.
Despite Monday.
Despite the walking.
Despite the theoretical coffee.
Despite being tired.
Despite the weather’s ongoing campaign of psychological warfare.
Despite having to continue interacting with the outside world.
Despite the indoor waterpark incident.
We. Made. It.
Friday brought gratitude, optimism and the hopeful promise of a fantastic day.
It also brought a new hose!
Oh, I don’t want to leave this little tidbit out. One day this week – one Wednesday I think – some perv decided it would be a great idea to jump scare me in my dm’s with a video of himself…giving himself a ‘happy’.
Dude, nobody wants to see that shit. I certain do NOT.
Keep your grilled eggplant to yourself.
So what did we learn this week?
We learned that cooler weather can inspire genuine gratitude. We learned that walking dogs is apparently an endurance sport nobody properly warned us about. We learned that a hat can solve approximately 73% of life’s problems. We learned that theoretical coffee is not technically coffee but may still provide emotional support.
We learned that Monday can be survived.
Tuesday can surprise you.
Wednesday requires a hat.
Thursday is apparently where exhaustion files for permanent residency.
And Friday eventually arrives – even when the rest of the week seems determined to prevent it.
Anyway, that’s another week in the books.
The dogs got walked. The weather occasionally cooperated. The hats were deployed. The coffee remained wholly theoretical. My remaining energy reserves are currently being guarded by armed security.
And somehow…
WE MADE IT.
See you next week, when I will once again wake up on Monday morning shocked and personally offended that Monday has returned. 😂
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