Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
There are certain moments in life when you realize you’ve made a mistake. For Julia, that moment came when she was standing in the frozen-food aisle holding a family-sized lasagna while an employee announced over the store’s speaker system, “Would the owner of a blue Honda Civic please return to your vehicle? Your car appears... Continue Reading →
At 7:13 on a perfectly respectable Tuesday morning, I discovered that I had an enemy. He was a squirrel. I don't know his real name, obviously, but I named him Gary because he looked like a Gary. He had the smug confidence of someone who had never paid a bill in his life and yet... Continue Reading →
At 10:47pm on a Sunday night, Brenda made a terrible decision. She decided to get her life together. This was not the first time Brenda had made this decision. Historically, she got her life together approximately six times a year, usually after watching an inspirational video made by someone whose kitchen counters were suspiciously empty.... Continue Reading →
I decided one day that I was going to be healthy. Not because I suddenly developed an overwhelming love for vegetables, but because my jeans had started holding meetings behind my back. Naturally, I ordered a salad. Now, if you've ever ordered a restaurant salad, you know they're basically vegetables covered in enough cheese, bacon,... Continue Reading →
Well...another week is in the poop bags! It wasn't exactly exciting, but somehow it still managed to be exhausting. You know those weeks where absolutely nothing major happens, yet by Friday you're ready to crawl into bed and pretend adulthood is optional? Yeah...one of those. Work was actually pretty quiet this week. A good chunk... Continue Reading →
Another week has come and gone, and somehow we survived it. Honestly, I feel like that deserves recognition. There were dogs. There was ridiculous weather. There was a new haircut. There was a long weekend approaching. And, because apparently the universe decided this week's story needed a little extra something... There was an extreme amount... Continue Reading →
Dear Tide, I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled... Continue Reading →
The Cool Beans 