The Day Brenda Decided to Become a Morning Person

At 10:47pm on a Sunday night, Brenda made a terrible decision. She decided to get her life together. This was not the first time Brenda had made this decision. Historically, she got her life together approximately six times a year, usually after watching an inspirational video made by someone whose kitchen counters were suspiciously empty. This particular woman woke up at 5:00am, meditated, exercised, drank something green and had apparently accomplished more by sunrise than Brenda had since 2019.

Brenda was inspired. Tomorrow, she decided, would be different. She set her alarm for 5:30am. Her husband, Eddy, looked over from his side of the bed. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m becoming a morning person,” Brenda announced. Eddy stared at her. “You threw a slipper at the alarm clock yesterday.” Brenda shook her head. “That was Old Brenda.” Eddy glanced at the clock. “Old Brenda was twelve hours ago.” Brenda ignored him. New Brenda had goals.

At exactly 5:30 the next morning, her alarm went off. Brenda opened one eye. For several seconds, she had absolutely no idea who she was, where she was, or why someone was playing cheerful ukulele music in her bedroom. Then she remembered. Personal growth. “Son of a bitch,” she muttered as she climbed out of bed.

Step one was meditation. Brenda sat cross-legged on the living-room floor, closed her eyes and attempted to clear her mind. Breathe in. Breathe out. Release your thoughts. Her brain immediately responded, Did you pay the hydro bill? Brenda ignored it and tried again. Breathe in. Breathe out. Her brain wasn’t finished. Why did Jennifer from accounting say “interesting” when you told her about your vacation? “Shut up, brain,” Brenda whispered. The dog opened one eye.

Brenda tried again. Unfortunately, Buddy interpreted sitting on the floor as an invitation. Within seconds, Brenda was attempting to achieve spiritual enlightenment while a seventy-pound Labrador enthusiastically licked her ear. “Buddy. No.” Buddy disagreed. Buddy had waited his entire life for 5:42am meditation.

Brenda abandoned inner peace and moved on to yoga. The woman in the video gracefully folded herself into something called Downward Dog. Brenda attempted the same pose. Buddy was delighted. Finally, a game he understood. He crawled underneath her. “Buddy, move.” Buddy rolled onto his back. Brenda tried stepping over him, lost her balance and fell sideways into a decorative basket. The basket collapsed. Brenda lay on the floor while Buddy licked her forehead.

From the hallway, Eddy appeared. He looked at his wife. He looked at the destroyed basket. He looked at the dog. “How’s personal growth?” he asked. Brenda glared at him. “Go away.”

It was now 6:03. Time for a healthy breakfast. The inspirational woman drank a smoothie containing spinach, banana, blueberries, chia seeds, almond milk and something called spirulina. Brenda owned none of those things except a banana that looked like it had witnessed several wars. She improvised with the banana, frozen strawberries, vanilla yogurt, milk and peanut butter. “This is basically health,” she whispered.

Brenda put everything into the blender and pressed the button. Nothing happened. She pressed it again. Nothing. Then she noticed the blender wasn’t plugged in. She plugged it in. Unfortunately, she had forgotten one other minor detail: the lid.

There are moments in life when time slows down. This was one of them. Brenda watched a strawberry leave the blender at approximately Mach 7. It hit the ceiling. A second strawberry landed in the sink. Banana-yogurt sludge coated the cabinets. Something wet struck Brenda directly between the eyes. Buddy arrived immediately. This was now the greatest morning of his life.

Eddy appeared again and stared at the kitchen. “Don’t,” Brenda warned. “I didn’t say anything,” he replied. “Your face did.” Eddy blinked. “My face is concerned.” Brenda pointed toward the bedroom. “Your face can go back to bed.” Eddy went back to bed.

Brenda cleaned the ceiling. At 6:31, she poured herself a coffee. The inspirational woman had specifically said not to drink coffee until after drinking sixteen ounces of lemon water. Brenda decided the inspirational woman could mind her own damn business.

By 7:00, Brenda had showered, dressed and recovered enough emotionally to proceed to the next phase of her transformation: journaling. She sat at the kitchen table with a beautiful notebook she’d purchased two years earlier during another attempt at becoming a better person. At the top of the page she wrote, THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR. She thought for a moment. Coffee. She wrote that down. Buddy wandered past, still licking smoothie from the cabinets. Brenda considered adding him to the list but decided he needed to earn his way back.

Eventually, Brenda’s gratitude list read: 1. Coffee. 2. Indoor plumbing. 3. Nobody filmed this morning. Excellent. Next she was supposed to write three goals: 1. Be productive. 2. Stay positive. 3. Drink more water. Brenda sat back and admired her work. She felt powerful. Organized. Possibly unstoppable.

Then her phone rang.

It was her boss. “Hey, Brenda. Where are you?” Brenda smiled. “At home! I’ve already had such a productive morning.” There was a pause. “That’s great,” her boss said. Another pause followed. “Are you planning on coming to work?” Brenda frowned. “Obviously.” Her boss hesitated. “It’s 9:17.”

Brenda looked at the clock. It was, in fact, 9:17. Apparently, somewhere between cleaning smoothie off the ceiling and writing gratitude lists, Brenda had completely lost two hours. She launched herself out of the chair. “SHIT!” Buddy began barking because Brenda was running, and running obviously meant emergency.

“SHOES! WHERE ARE MY SHOES?” Brenda yelled. Eddy wandered into the kitchen holding a piece of toast. “You’re wearing them.” Brenda looked down. She was wearing slippers. “THOSE ARE NOT SHOES.” Eddy took a bite of toast. “You didn’t specify.”

Three minutes later, Brenda flew out the door carrying her purse, coffee and one piece of toast she’d stolen from Eddy. She reached her car and realized she’d forgotten her keys. She ran back inside, got the keys and returned to the car. Then she realized she’d forgotten her phone. Back inside she went. She retrieved the phone, ran outside again and suddenly remembered she’d left her coffee on the kitchen counter.

Brenda stood in the driveway contemplating whether caffeine was worth another trip inside.

It was.

Obviously.

At 9:41, Brenda finally arrived at work. Her coworker Jennifer looked up. “Morning.” Brenda dropped into her chair. Jennifer studied her. “You okay?” Brenda nodded. “I’m thriving.” Jennifer tilted her head. “You have something in your hair.” Brenda froze. Jennifer reached over and pulled out a small piece of strawberry.

Brenda stared at it. Jennifer stared at it. Neither woman spoke.

Finally, Jennifer said, “Interesting.”

Brenda narrowed her eyes.

There was that word again.

At lunch, Brenda deleted the inspirational video.

That evening, Eddy found her sitting on the couch eating potato chips directly from the bag. “What happened to New Brenda?” he asked. Brenda crunched thoughtfully. “She died.” Eddy nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Brenda sighed. “Thank you.” Eddy sat beside her. “Will there be a service?” Brenda shook her head. “No. She would’ve wanted us to sleep in.”

“So you’re not getting up at 5:30 tomorrow?” Eddy asked.

Brenda looked genuinely offended. “Absolutely not.”

She picked up her phone, opened the alarm settings and changed 5:30 a.m. to 7:30. Then she reconsidered. 8:00. Better. She put the phone down and grabbed another handful of chips.

“You know what I’ve learned today?” Brenda asked.

Eddy waited.

Brenda nodded solemnly. “If I were intended to be awake before sunrise, they wouldn’t have invented blackout curtains.”

From underneath the coffee table, Buddy wagged his tail.

And just like that, Old Brenda was back. She wasn’t enlightened. She couldn’t do yoga. There was still strawberry on the ceiling.

But she was happy.

And tomorrow morning, she was sleeping in. 😂