Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
I went to a petting zoo because apparently, at some point in my life, I decided I needed more wholesome experiences. There were fluffy sheep. Tiny ponies. Sleepy rabbits. Children giggling while feeding adorable little animals from their hands. t was delightful. Then I met Kevin. I don't actually know if the goat's name was... Continue Reading →
Well, we made it through another week. I don't know who authorized that, but apparently time continues to move forward regardless of whether we're emotionally prepared for it. So here we are: five days, a ridiculous amount of walking, several hats, some theoretical coffee, weather negotiations, dogs, and at least one story that apparently required... Continue Reading →
It all started with a garbage can. Not my garbage can, which is important. I don't need anyone assuming I spend my mornings investigating municipal waste containers for entertainment. I have hobbies. At approximately 7:15 on a Saturday morning, I looked out my kitchen window and noticed my neighbor's garbage can lying in the middle... Continue Reading →
My alarm went off at 6:30 Monday morning, which was incredibly rude considering I had done absolutely nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. I opened one eye and stared at the ceiling. For several seconds, I genuinely considered whether employment was necessary. Surely there had to be another option. Could I become independently wealthy... Continue Reading →
Monday arrived with all the enthusiasm of an unpaid bill. Technically, it was a brand-new week, full of possibilities and opportunities and all those other inspirational things people say when they clearly have more energy than I do. I, meanwhile, was feeling a little blah. Not dramatically blah. Just that special kind of blah where... Continue Reading →
It started because Linda’s Wi-Fi went down. A normal person might have restarted the router, however Linda was not a normal person. At 7:43 on Saturday morning, she marched into the kitchen holding her phone above her head like she was trying to communicate with a satellite. “The government has finally done it,” she announced.... Continue Reading →
Sunday morning, Melissa woke up with a plan. This was her first mistake. She was going to clean the house, do the laundry, organize the kitchen, water the plants and maybe even relax afterward. Adorable. She started by putting a load of laundry in the washing machine. While that was running, she decided to empty... Continue Reading →
I went to the grocery store for three things. Bread, bananas, and toothpaste. Three things. This should have taken approximately seven minutes, assuming I walked at a reasonable pace and successfully avoided making eye contact with anyone I knew. Forty-five minutes later, I was standing at the self-checkout with seventeen items. I don't know what... Continue Reading →
It was supposed to be a nice walk. Those were the exact words I said as I reached for the leashes. “Come on, guys. We’re just going for a nice walk.” Looking back, I realize this was arrogant. You should never announce your plans in front of dogs. They hear optimism and immediately interpret it... Continue Reading →
At 8:14 on Saturday morning, Isabelle woke up feeling ambitious. This was unusual. Normally, Saturday morning Isabelle believed strongly in remaining horizontal until her bladder presented a legally binding eviction notice. But on this particular morning, sunlight streamed through the curtains, birds were singing, and somewhere deep inside her brain, a deeply irritating voice whispered,... Continue Reading →
