I Thought It Was a Petting Zoo, Not a Hostage Situation

I went to a petting zoo because apparently, at some point in my life, I decided I needed more wholesome experiences.

There were fluffy sheep. Tiny ponies. Sleepy rabbits. Children giggling while feeding adorable little animals from their hands. t was delightful.

Then I met Kevin.

I don’t actually know if the goat’s name was Kevin, but he had the energy of a Kevin who had recently been banned from three Walmarts.

I was standing near the goat enclosure when he noticed the little paper bag of animal treats in my hand. Our eyes met. I immediately understood that I had something he wanted.

Kevin definitely understood that I was weak. I gave him one pellet & that was my first mistake.

Kevin ate it and stared at me.

I gave him another.

He ate that one too.

Then I decided it was time to visit the alpacas.

Kevin disagreed.

I walked away.

Kevin followed.

I walked faster.

Kevin walked faster.

I crossed the petting zoo.

Kevin crossed the petting zoo.

At one point I turned around and said, “YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH.”

Kevin lowered his head slightly.

I don’t speak goat, but I’m pretty sure he said, “That’s not your decision.”

I hid behind a picnic table.

Kevin went around it.

I hid behind another adult.

Kevin went around them too.

The man looked at me like I had somehow brought this situation upon all of us.

Eventually, I panicked and threw a handful of pellets onto the ground.

Kevin stopped.

Victory.

I casually walked away, trying to preserve what remained of my dignity.

Then I heard tiny hooves rapidly approaching from behind.

Clip-clop.

Clip-clop.

CLIPCLOPCLIPCLOPCLIPCLOP.

I ran.

A grown adult.

Running through a petting zoo.

Being pursued by a goat.

Children were pointing.

Parents were laughing.

Somewhere, I’m fairly certain, an alpaca was judging me.

Finally, an employee intercepted Kevin and led him away.

I stood there breathless, traumatized and covered in goat slobber.

The employee smiled.

“He really likes you.”

I looked over.

Kevin was staring directly at me.

No.

Kevin didn’t like me.

Kevin had identified me as a food source.

I left the petting zoo twenty minutes later with no animal treats, no dignity, and one important lesson:

Never let a goat know you have snacks.

They remember.

And they will find you. 🐐😂

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