Just a girl who walks dogs and hangs out in cemeteries. Stay feral, y'all.
It started because my neighbor Carol decided we should have a neighborhood yard sale. Carol is one of those aggressively organized people who owns a label maker and actually uses it. Her garage contains matching storage bins. Her Christmas decorations are sorted by color. She probably has a folder somewhere labelled IMPORTANT FOLDERS. So when... Continue Reading →
All I wanted to do was go home. That was it. I had finished work, I was tired, I was hungry, and I had already mentally changed into pajamas. My couch was waiting for me. Dinner was waiting for me. I had absolutely no interest in adventure. Apparently, the city had other plans. I pulled... Continue Reading →
I knew the day was going to be a disaster when I put my shirt on backwards. I did not realize this immediately. I walked around the house for twenty minutes wondering why my collar felt like it was trying to strangle me before finally looking in the mirror. Fine. Easy fix. I changed my... Continue Reading →
It all started with a garbage can. Not my garbage can, which is important. I don't need anyone assuming I spend my mornings investigating municipal waste containers for entertainment. I have hobbies. At approximately 7:15 on a Saturday morning, I looked out my kitchen window and noticed my neighbor's garbage can lying in the middle... Continue Reading →
My alarm went off at 6:30 Monday morning, which was incredibly rude considering I had done absolutely nothing to deserve that kind of treatment. I opened one eye and stared at the ceiling. For several seconds, I genuinely considered whether employment was necessary. Surely there had to be another option. Could I become independently wealthy... Continue Reading →
Monday arrived with all the enthusiasm of an unpaid bill. Technically, it was a brand-new week, full of possibilities and opportunities and all those other inspirational things people say when they clearly have more energy than I do. I, meanwhile, was feeling a little blah. Not dramatically blah. Just that special kind of blah where... Continue Reading →
Sunday morning began with a lie. “I’m just going to sit here for five minutes.” I said this at 9:12am while lowering myself onto the couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket. At 10:47, I was still there. In my defense, I had been very busy. I had adjusted the blanket twice, checked... Continue Reading →
At 7:12 on a perfectly peaceful Saturday morning, Susan looked out her front window and saw a traffic cone sitting at the end of her driveway. This was unusual because Susan did not own a traffic cone. She stared at it for several seconds, waiting for an explanation to present itself. None did. Naturally, Susan... Continue Reading →
It started because Linda’s Wi-Fi went down. A normal person might have restarted the router, however Linda was not a normal person. At 7:43 on Saturday morning, she marched into the kitchen holding her phone above her head like she was trying to communicate with a satellite. “The government has finally done it,” she announced.... Continue Reading →
Sunday morning, Melissa woke up with a plan. This was her first mistake. She was going to clean the house, do the laundry, organize the kitchen, water the plants and maybe even relax afterward. Adorable. She started by putting a load of laundry in the washing machine. While that was running, she decided to empty... Continue Reading →
